Realist shit I ever wrote....

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

My brother from another mother was asking me some questions...almost like talking to a mirror. They weren't really questions, but he was venting. It led me to my own revelation of sorts and I need to verbalize/type it, maybe it will help someone else.

I'm a quitter. I'm a insecure, scared of failure, quitter.

and I'm not okay with that.

I played baseball for 3 years before going to high school. My first 2 years, I was one of the best in the league I played in...not my team, in the league. 3rd year was rough. New team, new league, new division, injuries, tough. I got to highschool and didn't even try out for the team. I was afraid of all the running, so I quit.

I played football for the first time my freshman year. I did okay, I wasn't a stand out or anything, but I played, and as the season went on, I played more and more often. I was on the freshman team and our team was the champion of the freshman teams in our division. I knew who the coach was for the next year....and I quit. I didn't like him. He intimidated me and I wasn't ready for it, so I quit. I went tried out for the team my Junior year but had some heart issues...the tests proved to be mild, but I didn't risk it. I tried out again my senior year, and had knee trouble, I'm sure I could have made it through, but I quit instead.

I was going to go to school to be a nurse. After a weekend session at this college, I decided that it wasn't for me cause " I ain't wanna clean shit." So I quit all dreams of that idea...went back to what I liked. Graphic Design.

I DID finish that degree...but I coasted. So now, I don't know how good I really am.

I've had a chance to be a radio host, but I thought they were bullshittin and I never called them.

I was in ATL for school and let things fuck up and what I do, I left. I quit.

I got laid off from my job in Feb and at this point...4 months later...I haven't done anything to better myself. I haven't been up on my art. I haven't worked out with any consistency past maybe 2 weeks. I half heartedly look for jobs and I speak about non profits and being my own boss....but I haven't moved towards those areas at all.

My old blog and youtube channel did well, FAST. I was shook and scared of falling off, or being criticized, so i quit/changed.

What's the point of all this? Look, we all have our issues. We all have our shortcomings, problems, obstacles, etc. The test of your character is what do you do when you realize them.

I've got to change them. I'm pretty much at the halfway mark for my life expectancy, and I have little to show for it.

Not for long.

I've spent a majority of my life running from things that ultimately would have made me happy and made a difference in the world. It's time to rediscover that. I'm more inspired now than I have been in a long time. I can't worry about things external to me and I have to control the things that I can control. It's time.

This is the realist shit I ever wrote.